Mental Health Hotline

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until someone comes on the line.
If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden nameIf you have post-traumatic-stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you."

 

-from the Humor Hotlines iPhone app. Just had to share. Call 401-992-4045.

The Real Deal

Quotes from friends...

The resolution for brain pollution requires a revolution in which a substitution for instution becomes part of the Constitution. - Lonnie

To avoid guilt by association, we must begin with the process of elimination. -Bronson Hill

The No-Fear Fender-Bender Factor

Why is it that people seem fearless on interstates and highways, swerving in and out of traffic at high speeds, but at a 4-way stop... everyone seems afraid to take their turn.

Charlie: Why are You so Defensive?

Charlie (to his wife): You need to stop eating so much!
Wife: I haven't eaten all day! I'm starving!
Charlie: But, you ate a lot yesterday.
Wife: Why are you being so critical?
Charlie: Why are you being so defensive? Do you feel guilty?
Wife: I am being defensive because you're attacking me!
Charlie: I'm not attacking you. I'm simply stating a fact.
Wife (tapping husband's belly): You're attacking me because of your own feelings of guilt.
Charlie: Stop trying to justify yourself!
Wife: In America, everyone has the right to a just defense. I simply can't afford an attorney right now, so I'm waiving my rights and defending myself.
Charlie: Well, I find you guilty.
Wife: You can't be the judge and jury, you're the Plaintiff!!!

The Pied Piper

A leader must be a positive role-model. He or she must encourage team members to reach their fullest potentials, must ensure that the team members feel appreciated for their efforts, must consider the qualities that each member has to offer, and must have a positive agenda. Good leaders are like good parents. They are role-models, teachers, students, counselors, etc. They must be able to provide guidance, share knowledge, gain knowledge, have compassion, and earn respect.

Tipping the Scale

The world is full of gray areas. How can the gray areas be seen if we don't provide a contrasting black and white scale in which the gray areas fall? It is my nature to consider the extremes of both ends in everything I do, consider, and support, because I strive to reach a "balance" between the two extremes. However, if I ever actually achieve a perfect balance, I won't know what to do with myself. :-)

Dealing with Dopes

The best way to deal with idiots is to find a way to make their idiosyncrasies more tolerable and amusing. Consider them to be your entertainment for the day.